July 20th, 2015
Hey, there!
Well, today you’re not feeling okay. It’s a little weird but compared to other days, your brightness is not coming around. And when I say “brightness” I’m referring to the way you shine in gloomy situations, your positive perception of things–your own life, regrets (and things you really do not regret), dreams, the world around you, your current situation, all those things that have shaped you, y’know?
I think it’s particularly strange, given that you have been running for more than two consecutive days (that’s an achievement), you have painted your room and had a blast doing it, and you attended your college orientation. I mean, all these things happened over the last week and you are just… not feeling it. So I’m trying to trigger it through this letter. Right now I’m looking at the computer screen with a hard gaze while typing with fast fingers while your (my? our?) sister is working on her paperwork. She’s just seventeen and she’s working with paperwork. Crazy, don’t you think? She’ll grow (more!) this upcoming year, and I know that although you have your fights with her, you’ll always be proud of the young and well-rounded lady she’s becoming. Remember when she used to follow you all the time? You hated it. In third grade she wanted to have the same friends as yours and that made you feel frustrated because you wanted something different in school, you didn’t want to have to deal with your cute little sister from first grade there like you did at home. You wanted to talk to other people and venture yourself in other adventures with little people your age. Sometimes today it seems like she’s doing the same thing, but hey, you don’t mind. You and I know that she only needs a role model, and well, a role model is what you’ve been wanting to become for someone else lately. Especially after knowing about the low self esteem she “suffers” from. Now, I put that in quotations not to be condescending… it’s just, I don’t like to know she suffers from it. Suffering it the last thing I’d wish for her. I mean, she’s my sister.
Anyway, thoughts are rushing through my head now. It feels like I can’t concentrate on just one aspect of my life. I’m trying to find that thought that’s making you want to stop right now… You’re almost stopping, girl, but writing this letter is important, so it’s the only thing you’re clinging to. Besides, Marina and the Diamonds’ song “Blue” makes you wanna dance, so, you’ve got mental support.
It’s been twenty minutes and although you do type fast, you still can’t find the thought.
Failure.
Yeah, that’s the word. You’re afraid of failure. Hey, you’re not the only one. Well, actually I should address this to myself because by writing this letter, I’m making sure my future self isn’t afraid of such thing. I am afraid of failing. Afraid of not achieving the dreams I once wrote down on a paper for a “soul finding” exercise at ten. I am afraid I will not get to be the independent young woman I wanted to become. Afraid of not ending up owning my own apartment, or at least sharing one with a roomie, of not being able to find steady work, of not proving others wrong, of eating up my words everyday to end up being a bitter woman, of never flying in a hot-air balloon like I dreamt when I was three, of not finding satisfaction at all in any of the ones that used to be my favorite activities in the future. I am afraid I will not make them proud… I am afraid of the future. But, why?
Maybe because I can’t see through. Hey, future self, can you see through on your own time? I cannot right now, but I will try, just for you!
I can’t see through because I see everyone else attending big universities, and going places, like… away from high school, and you… well, regardless of being on the top five of your class, you had to stay and go to a community college. Yeah, not what your mentors imagined. You were okay with this at first because… well, your situation is not the best, and you were able to understand that, but today you seem to be polluted by negative thoughts. The thoughts you think they are having about you and the supposed failure you’ve become.
Well, after walking around the living room, my mind is clear (yeah, I left my laptop open, but it’s okay).
I will be fine.
I will. I promise. It’s for you, and you will see that although it’s dark now for me, and I couldn’t see through, I’ll get through it. Because at the end of the day I have been getting through it since my insomnia started. I guess my problem began because I let anxiety invade my brain. But let’s not get into that now, future self. You know it all.
You know why I’ll be fine? Not only because I have had experience in doing so, but because this is not the worst that can happen to a human being. I am alive, and that’s more that I can ask for given my situation. Like others, I could be fighting death right now in a hospital bed, or fighting the police for injustice, or being kept captive in a strange house in exchange of my parents’ money, or I could be just not being me at all. I don’t have the problems that others have. Yes, I am facing my own fate, but the misery I’m in now will not last because I am not stopping. If I move, I will move away from this. I just need to remember that.
Remember that.
-A.A.
